At times that's exactly how I feel, like a kid who doesn't grow old, stays young forever. A kid who's friends he loves but grow apart. They are still the same person they were just, older. I never really got that as a kid. To grow up and lose your childhood? What? That's ridiculous! But it's true, and it's never been more true. Friends grow and find new things, new places, new hobbies, new friends, new passions and it's all normal but it becomes weird when your stuck in the same room. When everyone has explored the whole building and your still in the same room. In that room where experiences that serve as eyes that look down upon you whenever they are encountered again. The room in which the writings on the walls repeat themselves constantly. I am not one to care but I guess we all have a limit.
I am independent, in ways I am codependent of others like peers and parents but then again I'm still a kid. I truly don't mind solitude, I don't get attached to people because I don't want to be the one missing them once their gone. I don't want to be the one constantly thinking of a lost friend or partner. If things happen I guess (like people say) they happen for a reason. The reason and answer I come to is to "move on" I've always moved on and that's I do daily. Challenges approach me and if I do not conquer them I pass them without any regrets or concerns.
People say this is all a bad thing, I shouldn't do this, I should have someone to rely on. But who are they to say? I understand that parents have more experience but that should make them understand even more! They've been through tough times, the people that were closest to them have moved on. Adults don't have friends anymore and as sad as that sounds, it's true. They might have friends but not a "best friend" a person they can tell everything to. They might have a spouse but just because they're married means that they have to neglect every influential person in their life? I disagree
That's why I don't want to grow. Grow apart from people that matter to me, people that still need that peer and mentor or just a friend. It's sad to see such a great friend grow but, the truth is we all have to, I just wish I could stop that....
Another thing I've had in my mind is a certain person, who's name I can't say or else I would be SHUNNED! From all matter relating to ANY of my friends. It's sad to say I have NOTHING against this person, I really don't but it still feels like I'm the enemy, the bad guy, the person who's finger is being pointed at. And it's always been like this, no matter what I do, how much I care, how much i express myself, no matter what I do! I'm always the bad guy, the kid with the horns. The bad friend, the bad example, the bad peer, the bad boyfriend, the bad stranger...even if I try, even if I give it my all! I never amount to anything! Its something that destroys my inner core, it implants it self inside me and just eats away till I'm rotten and fucked from the inside. Its something I've lived with ever since. Ever since, that night, that place, that girl, that boy, that friend...
I don't understand, even when I'm trying to help or when I'm not even doing ANYTHING! It's bad, it's not good, not good enough and It's never going to be good enough. Goddamn it what did I do this time? Have you ever put yourself in my shoes? Have you ever tried to stand on the receiving end of it all? In this side, in which this kid who is just trying to help and fix things always somehow seems to mess up even when he's done his best he is not good enough...what did I do THIS time?
Did you ever wonder if it was you that did the wrong deed? The one that neglected what I offered? the little that I could, because I just can't?! No matter what it is it's never good enough...
To be the judge who says if it's good or if it Isn't?
Maybe your afraid to see past my mistakes and to be honest, I truly don't think you've had any, you really have been a freaking angel. Me being the person that forgives any mistake has nothing to forgive, you being the person that judges has me to condemn.
So go tell your friends, yours Bros, your Girlfriends, tell them what I just said, make my friends hate me. Make me the outcast, the kid who's finger is being pointed at, hate me, destroy me.
I won't hate you, I won't blame you
Even if it might seem as a way to repent for my sins, it's not
I just could never hate you,
Not saying there is any reason to, just saying I could never
So sorry for whatever it is I did or didn't do...sorry for all the times I've fucked up and will fuck up, sorry for apologizing because that's all that I'm good for. Sorry I will never satisfy your needs. I'm me and I guess I can't change. I guess ill never be the diamond in the rough or whatever it is that you want me to be...sorry
I guess I will never be able to be your knight in shinning armor
