Choice Hops and Bottled Self Esteem

I guess I miss a lot of people, some more than others...

Lately these nights have been filled with these feelings that run through my body when the lights go out...


It's one of the questions too, "do you sometimes feel the urge to separate your self from others and be left to your inner thoughts" haha umm where's the answer that says "very fucking frequently." it's ironic to feel this way and share my feelings in the blog, but the truth is I doubt many read this, so it's a way for me to kind of connect with those who feel insulted when I exclude myself.

Another question was something like, "Do you range from being happy, exited and optimistic to sad, tearful, and pessimistic" That's another obvious answer, but I guess everyone feels this way and goes through this. The question I asked myself is that if they go through it this frequently.

I don't let this bother me but like any other nuisance, it itches your spine at times. This would be one of these times I guess.

I have never been one to give direct answers. I always add a "I guess" a "well we could" or "whatever"...sometimes "if" haha. That's because It's not that I'm afraid of the outcome, it's more like I'm curious to see both. Yea
I admit I sometimes do hesitate but I've notices I've been trying to change that a lot. I still hesitate but I end with an answer, not an opinion.

I feel as if lately I've changed a lot, yea I've separated myself from many just because I don't want to be another nuisance, and I've grown closer to others, well...another to be precise.

Not by a lot but enough for me.

Sorry, you might think I'm freaking crazy by now but i don't know, this is how I feel I guess. I know, I'm lame, you tell me constantly haha but i don't know...this is just a side of me. You mean a bunch to me my friend. You don't even know.

Oh and I'm fine, I just listen to music too late. It always gets to me...

You know those songs that the lyrics don't really make sense, but for some reason they relate to you and make you feel like your part of it? Haha I love those

I guess, this is like one of those

Nothing makes sense but It seems like it all applies to me and makes sense to me, makes me feel like I'm part of it.

For now, I'm out

Goodnight

Lights…Lines…Headlights!

As we slid, I entered the stage with dim red and white lights. The place seemed still but with fluidity, as if the still lights continued to show the moving ones. The affects of life's back didn't help the cause. Music played fast yet slow, not symphonically but to the same beat. The night was fine, the drizzle didn't seem to affect wheels that lines could not stop, dashed or solid. It was a lost cause. Comments that spark fire are comments better said to one's self. Even though I leave a trace, don't be drawn away from the facts. The night is young and anything could happen. Life and death might just visit and give us a warm welcome or a rough goodbye. We the unexperienced will never know, or dream close to knowing how it exchanges the most sacred of all things. Maybe it might forget us but for now we just left home and the trip back is a long one. For now, let us depend on the stopping mechanism.

Unpredictable Weather

I really do love the weather, the rainy, gloomy and full of thunder days. This REALLY rare here in South Cali but when it does happen is freaking amazing. I laugh at people who are scared of thunder and lightning. Me being from Puerto Rico have experienced my share of rainstorms, practically ranging from two to seven days a week. It could literally rain for a week straight. Here people are terrified of thunder and lighting, they swear like they are made of metal and they attract all electricity haha.


Well I have a full day of school ahead, hopefully the weather holds

Location:California Oaks Rd,Murrieta,United States

Like Peter Pan

At times that's exactly how I feel, like a kid who doesn't grow old, stays young forever. A kid who's friends he loves but grow apart. They are still the same person they were just, older. I never really got that as a kid. To grow up and lose your childhood? What? That's ridiculous! But it's true, and it's never been more true. Friends grow and find new things, new places, new hobbies, new friends, new passions and it's all normal but it becomes weird when your stuck in the same room. When everyone has explored the whole building and your still in the same room. In that room where experiences that serve as eyes that look down upon you whenever they are encountered again. The room in which the writings on the walls repeat themselves constantly. I am not one to care but I guess we all have a limit.

I am independent, in ways I am codependent of others like peers and parents but then again I'm still a kid. I truly don't mind solitude, I don't get attached to people because I don't want to be the one missing them once their gone. I don't want to be the one constantly thinking of a lost friend or partner. If things happen I guess (like people say) they happen for a reason. The reason and answer I come to is to "move on" I've always moved on and that's I do daily. Challenges approach me and if I do not conquer them I pass them without any regrets or concerns.

People say this is all a bad thing, I shouldn't do this, I should have someone to rely on. But who are they to say? I understand that parents have more experience but that should make them understand even more! They've been through tough times, the people that were closest to them have moved on. Adults don't have friends anymore and as sad as that sounds, it's true. They might have friends but not a "best friend" a person they can tell everything to. They might have a spouse but just because they're married means that they have to neglect every influential person in their life? I disagree

That's why I don't want to grow. Grow apart from people that matter to me, people that still need that peer and mentor or just a friend. It's sad to see such a great friend grow but, the truth is we all have to, I just wish I could stop that....




Another thing I've had in my mind is a certain person, who's name I can't say or else I would be SHUNNED! From all matter relating to ANY of my friends. It's sad to say I have NOTHING against this person, I really don't but it still feels like I'm the enemy, the bad guy, the person who's finger is being pointed at. And it's always been like this, no matter what I do, how much I care, how much i express myself, no matter what I do! I'm always the bad guy, the kid with the horns. The bad friend, the bad example, the bad peer, the bad boyfriend, the bad stranger...even if I try, even if I give it my all! I never amount to anything! Its something that destroys my inner core, it implants it self inside me and just eats away till I'm rotten and fucked from the inside. Its something I've lived with ever since. Ever since, that night, that place, that girl, that boy, that friend...

I don't understand, even when I'm trying to help or when I'm not even doing ANYTHING! It's bad, it's not good, not good enough and It's never going to be good enough. Goddamn it what did I do this time? Have you ever put yourself in my shoes? Have you ever tried to stand on the receiving end of it all? In this side, in which this kid who is just trying to help and fix things always somehow seems to mess up even when he's done his best he is not good enough...what did I do THIS time?




Did you ever wonder if it was you that did the wrong deed? The one that neglected what I offered? the little that I could, because I just can't?! No matter what it is it's never good enough...

To be the judge who says if it's good or if it Isn't?

Maybe your afraid to see past my mistakes and to be honest, I truly don't think you've had any, you really have been a freaking angel. Me being the person that forgives any mistake has nothing to forgive, you being the person that judges has me to condemn.

So go tell your friends, yours Bros, your Girlfriends, tell them what I just said, make my friends hate me. Make me the outcast, the kid who's finger is being pointed at, hate me, destroy me.

I won't hate you, I won't blame you


Even if it might seem as a way to repent for my sins, it's not

I just could never hate you,

Not saying there is any reason to, just saying I could never

So sorry for whatever it is I did or didn't do...sorry for all the times I've fucked up and will fuck up, sorry for apologizing because that's all that I'm good for. Sorry I will never satisfy your needs. I'm me and I guess I can't change. I guess ill never be the diamond in the rough or whatever it is that you want me to be...sorry

I guess I will never be able to be your knight in shinning armor

Time is a Muse

I would love to fly, fly into the unknown...discover what no one's seen, feel how no one's felt. I wish Time would stop for me to catch up, just hold that second in which i got lost. Hes always there but has never cared. He's lived by me my entire life, but always too busy, riding that busy schedule of life. Counting everything to the smallest degree. He was always a tough one, giving you good moments and bad ones, he's always been that way. Never truly satisfying you just leaving you either asking for more or wanting to end.

Time, i wish you'd change

I wish you could wait for me

Better Luck Next Time Prince Charming

Haha well once upon a time, there was a guy and this girl, the girl was the princess stuck in the castle and the boy was the prince, like all other stories the prince gets involved and decides to rescue the princess who feels life is meaningless thanks to her parents, he then rescue her and takes her away, far away, to somewhere neither of them have ever been before he just drove with out a care in the world he ignored all the sunsets and sun rises that went by as he drove, all he cared about was her, nothing else. When they finally got to where they felt was right they just loved each other like usual in the stories, in a sense, they lived happily ever after....for a while, then she felt as if she didn't have what she wanted so she kept It to her self and wrote her feelings in a diary, she kept acting as she loved him but one day, after a while, she opens a door and there he is, the hero, the prince, destroyed...with the diary in hand. He then says "not all knights In shining armor can make your dreams come true, I guess I was never as charming you might have seen"...he then stood up and walked, walked off just like he did when he ran with her, he kept walking until he felt it was enough, she stayed there realizing what she just lost and went back to the castle waiting for the next prince...the end

Haha this is something someone asked me to do haha, pretty crappy

Haha if anyone can figure out the song that inspired me to write this thingy, I'll seriously mail them a dollar

Just Speak Softer Now

To be honest i really have gone too far, and i like it. I finally have the guts to tell myself the truth, not hide it and admit it. Sorry, but that is really what i feel and i don't know how long it will last but its really how i feel.

I take back each time i would i apologize for no real reason and you would actually accept it even though we both knew it was you the one that was wrong. When you would do that it wold only make me lie to my self more. I don't regret the times i was wrong and i apologized. Those times i really did hurt you and i wish i never did. Sorry i was always one day off, one question and conversation short, one comment off. But it was what had to be done, i love you but i hate talking to walls, at least when i talk to myself i listen.

Was it or is it a matter of time? not sure to be honest...Maybe later, when were older...

When your old and i'm gone. When i'm done and you ready. Lets just hope for the best because we all knew my timing was always off. But who knows...maybe another awkward night, or silent stare will make us see deeper into expectations. Those expectations that no mater what i did i never filled.

So ill be silent for now, i'm sure i wont get any word from you until its time for you to demand...

Haha yea, words, words, WORDS!!!!

night

It's Just a Matter of Time

So I just read The Catcher in The Rye, it's a good book I must admit. I love how the author makes the reader relate to the main character, no matter who you are. It's true that everyone has had their times in which they felt as if they had no one to talk to. Those moments that made you scroll trough your contacts and you feel there's no one out there that can help you out.



In the book, the main character Holden gets off a train in New York and he walks to a phone booth because he felt as if now that he's there he should tell someone. He felt as if he needed to let someone know what's going on. At that moment in the book the reader realizes...he has no one, no one at all...not a single person he can talk to...

That's how we all feel at times and that's how I felt but I knew there had to be someone out there that cared or was going through the same crap.

When I got home yesterday at around 11 something I got a txt and call from my friend telling me how badly he wanted to just go out, with out the family, the wife the girlfriend, the kids, no one, just someone that would understand. So waited and then left my house at around 12 something. We went out and just as expected...we were sharing a pair of shoes...we were curiously in the same hole. So we ventured off to Walmart being the only place open at the cracks of dawn even though we both grow a tremendous hate towards it daily we entered and just went everywhere. The place was barren and perfect.

After a couple hours there we just left and drove....




Drove and drove...we didn't know where we were going, all we knew is this is what we wanted to do. So we did, we drove so far we were practically lost in some pitch black mountain. We just went drove like there was no need for tomorrow. There was no worry.

We then talked about what had been decaying our "cerebros" We shared what we had In the compounds of our minds.

We both shared remotely a similar problem, and even though I could not relate to his completely, I helped. I listened and did what I could. He did the same for me and we went from dancing to a song to talking about a serious conversation in seconds, constantly switching off. We talked and did what we had to...

After that we raided Jack in the Box...we ate outside of it and just continued to discuss the inner most things that for some reason no one else in the world or list of contacts could understand. This was not a long text message, this wasn't a talk over the phone that lasted a couple hours and it surely wasn't just a talk between friends it was just pure understanding, coming from the both of us.

We there returned to my house and paled in front of it. Talked for a couple more hours and share the same passion for this band called Te Fall of Troy. For some reason he had been the only person that had felt the same way I do about this band (well same with Danny but then again he hasn't gotten into them as much as we have). We seriously felt the music, the notes, the rhythm, the music it self is what sets the mood, the setting, the feeling. When the lyrics end, he is still telling a story, just with the music. I notice this with a lot of bands but never like The Fall of Troy, Minus The Bear, and Taking Back Sunday. Hopefully anyone that goes and takes the time to listen to it understands me...

From there I went home and knocked out...but with a bundle of thought in my head and a certain song...The thoughts that life can suck, That we waist time caring about the stupid shit instead of what really matters, and the fact that neither of us can never be what is needed, be good enough...

The song?
Maybe I'm Just Tired - As Tall As Lions

As depressing and suck-ish as this might sound it was an amazing night that I doubt I'll ever forget...this is truly what memories are made of...

Haha I guess that's just it...